Game 42: How the Other Half Lives (a one act play).

Final Score: Atlanta Braves 14, Boston Red Sox 0

Scene: The Red Sox dugout right before the second game of the doubleheader.

Francona: Alright team, get over here. I want to run a little exercise in empathy and understanding. It will help us get a feeling for what the other teams in our division are going through.

Pedroia: Coach… you mean not every team in the AL East has over a .600 winning percentage?

Lowell: Yeah Tito. Doesn’t everybody have a staff full or starters that go 7 innings+ every night?

Ortiz: And don’t they all have big run producers like me?

Francona: Sorry guys, not even close. In fact, we are the only team above .500 and the rest barely are getting by with the rookies they call up.

Team in unison: Wow! We had no idea!

Francona: I know it’s hard to understand, but sometimes other teams don’t hit the ball as well as we do and most of these teams don’t have 5 starters that go the distance every start. We’re lucky… and it’s about time we recognize that fact.

Hansack: Sounds good skipper. So what do we do?

Francona: Well I’m glad you asked Derven (or whatever your freakin name is). I want you to go out there and pitch like a complete spaz. Homeruns, walks, come-backers you can’t handle… the whole shebang.

Hansack: You got it!

Francona: And after you’ve stunk up the joint, I want the bullpen to come in and be even worse. Got it guys?

Pineiro, Lopez, Romero and Donnelly: Alright coach. No problem.

Fancona: Oh and I almost forgot. Everyone in the batting order can take the night off.

Team in unison: Everyone?

Francona: That’s right, the lot of you. I don’t want to see any hitting out there. Nothing but fly balls and strikeouts ok? And as for fielding, forget it. Bobble, drop or throw away everything you can.

Manny: Coach, is this really going to show us how other teams play?

Francona: Sure it will Manny. We will get our asses kicked just like all the other teams. Now we can experience what a true spanking feels like.

Coco: Man, this sounds awful. Will we have to do this again?

Francona: Hmmm, I’m not sure Coco. Tomorrow the Braves are throwing Hudson at us. I guess you never know.

Gabbard: Hudson? That f-ing blows.

Francona: It sure does Kason… it sure does.

Fade