Monday, May 08, 2006

To Boo or Cheer: A Handy Guide

Are they doing the right thing?

Lots of fans, bloggers and media members have been upset, confused or just plain WRONG when it comes which former Red Sox players you should boo or cheer when they finally return to Fenway. This guide will hopefully clarify the situation to those whimpering simpletons who don’t like “all the negativity” and would cheer Steinbrenner if they saw him. Also, maybe this will calm down the moron Neanderthals who would scream obscenities to Rich “El Guapo” Garces (in front of kids) just because he ate himself out of the league. Here’s the list:

Derek Lowe: Now on the Dodgers and got big cheers at the Ring Ceremony last year. You got to cheer this guy just for not being on the team anymore. Naw, I’m just kidding. I love the D-Lowe…I’m just happy I don’t have a sister he can hit on.

Dave Roberts: Now on the Padres, visited during the Ring Ceremony and got the biggest standing ovation of all time. Best steal ever = best reception ever.

Orlando Cabrera: Now on the Angels, first visited last year and got a huge hand. That’s what he should get whenever he plays the Sox. He’s a good guy that was part of the trade the won the World Series. Love the O-Cab.

Johnny Damon: Now on the Yankees, visited last week and got booed by about 80%. It should have been 100%. It’s not about the money or the media coverage; it’s about the new uniform. He’s a YANKEE. You boo him. That’s it, end of story. He signs with to Tampa Bay and comes to Fenway? CHEER! But when you deal with the devil, be prepared to feel the flames.

Kevin Millar: Now on the Orioles, visited this weekend and got cheers. He was fun in the clubhouse, a heavy drinker and the “Cowboy Up” guy. How could you not cheer him? It’s not your fault you kinda stunk last year Millar. You were even a good sport about it. Have a shot on us.

Mike Myers: Now on the Yankees, visited this and last year and got boos. Great name, but again… a Yankee. It’s a rivalry baby. Boo is what you do.

Bronson Arroyo: Now on the Reds. He might be a tough guy to see in Fenway because of the whole NL thing. Was a fan favorite (and we could really use him now), but got traded for a slugger when we thought the staff was overflowing. Cheer him people. He’s the cornrow rock star.

Edgar Renteria: Now on the Braves. We will see him NEXT year (Sox play in Atlanta this time around) so be ready to boo this hump. Yeah he was shy and yeah he got traded and yeah he is doing great NOW, but when he was in Boston pretending to be a shortstop he made everyone crazy. Never reached his potential, never hit well and crawled his way into 1000 rally ending double plays. Also, he couldn’t field to save his life and THEN took shots at the grounds crew on the way out of town. Bitter much? If he does get cheers, they better be because he was the last out for St. Louis in 2004.

Carl Everett: Now on the Mariners, visited Fenway a ton of times, and got a ton of boos. Ahhh Crazy Carl. Everyone knows where they stand with you. Here’s a T-Rex skull! Still don’t believe they exist? Really? Boo.

Nomar Garciaparra: Now on the Dodgers. Another NL problem. He may have dogged it a bit in 2004, he wasn’t happy about the trade and let us know it wasn’t his choice, but come on. It’s still Nomahhhhhhh. Cheers, beautiful.

Bill Mueller: Now on the Dodgers. Are you kidding? He’s the Pro. You cheer the Pro.

Grady Little: Now the skipper for the Dodgers. I cannot rationally talk about this guy. I start booing my computer and mooning the screen whenever I see a picture of him. It won’t be a pretty site when 36,000 fans do it live.

Byung-Hyun Kim: Now on the Rockies. I’m really, really wish he wasn’t in the NL because I would LOVE to boo the HELL out of this class act. Sorry BK Broiler, but the only thing people remember more than you crying on the mound in the Bronx, is you flipping off the crowd in Fenway. -insert Kimchi joke here-

Mark Bellhorn: Now on the Padres. Yeah he was on the Yankees for a while, but he stunk for them and is playing great in San Diego now. He is untainted, he is the DING-HONK, and he is a guy you cheer for.

Doug Mientkiewicz: Now on the Royals. This is a tough one. He was part of the trade that helped win the World Series, but also had the “ball scandal” idiocy. That was real bad just because it was so stupid and still got a ton of coverage. You know what? Cheer him. Being on the Royals is punishment enough.

Roger Clemens: Now retired? I fall into the Bill Simmons camp when it comes to Clemens. He’s the spawn of Satan. He should go back to the pit from whence he came. I would love the chance to scream at this guy again. Except if he came back to play for the Sox… then it’s going to be awkward when I scream at him again.

Pedro Martinez: Now on the Mets. This is the biggest conundrum Red Sox fans face this year because he is going to be in Fenway in the end of June. Pedro skipped town when he realized he wasn’t going to be the ACE of the staff anymore. He took a lot of shots at the front office and the team on the way out and burned some bridges with fans. He went to New York (but not the Yankees) and is loved there. You know what? Cheer him. He had the best years of his career on this team, always played hard and helped bring a championship to Boston (and he didn’t go to the Yankees). You cheer him now and it will feel so righteous come October when the Red Sox top the Mets in the World Series.