Friday, December 14, 2007

The MITCHELL! Report

What better way to start discussing the most damaging MLB investigative report ever than to open with a Joe Don Baker movie of the same name. Mitchell is like the white version of Shaft… no wonder it got the MST3K treatment.

Anyway, the Mitchell Report tells us a lot about who used Steroids and HGH over the last 20 or so years in Major League Baseball. It names names, points fingers and has a ton o' evidence to support it. It’s the smoking gun everyone has been waiting for or dreading depending on how you feel about our national pastime.

Personally I almost wish that this dirty laundry stay hidden and never saw the light of day…but with this many people and with so much pressure from the US Government (seriously, don’t you guys have better things to do?) this was bound to happen.

So without further adieu…here is my cherry picked list of favorites (and least favorites) from the Mitchell Report. The full list of players can be found here and the complete document (yikes) can be found here.

The “No Duh! I Already Knew That” Group
Barry Bonds- That does not help your court case buddy.
Jose Canseco- He even tried to bust in on the press conference with an “I told you so!”
Rick Ankiel- So much for that comeback of the year award.
Rafael Palmeiro- No more finger pointing?
Gary Mathews Jr.- Still, nice catch…
Jason and Jeremy Giambi- Only one of them was taking the “good” steroids though.
Gary Sheffield- I guess flaxseed oil isn’t a truth serum.

The “Well That Makes Sense” Group
Jose Guillen- Roid rage poster child.
John Rocker- No longer just a racist.
David Justice- Former Mr. Halle Berry
Troy Glaus- Always looked the type to me.
Benito Santiago- Popeye arms… but tainted spinach.
Kevin Brown- Loved seeing him on here. I guess that’s why he punched that wall so hard.

The “Dirty Dealer” Group
Larry Bigbie
Paul Lo Duca
After looking through the report, it seems like these two knuckleheads were responsible for introducing tons of players to the trainers and other contacts that had the illicit substances. Way to go guys…share and share alike.

The “Media Frenzy” Group
Miguel Tejada- Biggest current bat on the list. Have fun in Houston next year Miggy.
Andy Pettitte- Biggest current Yankee on the list. Graphic details in the report too.
Roger Clemens- Biggest asshole on the list (close vote). He and Pettitte got some special treatment in the report due to the first hand knowledge of the accuser. This was almost like a Christmas present.

The “Say it Ain’t So” Group
Chuck Knoblauch- Knob-head? Really? This was the “scrappy guy” I grew up laughing at as he threw the ball in the stands.
Brian Roberts- Wow. Just never would have guessed him. He seemed to have the shakiest evidence in the report however.

The “Red Sox Connection” Group
Brendan Donnelly- Only one of 2 Sox who played on this years team. Roids were done before he joined.
Eric Gagne- The other one. He should have KEPT on taking them. Maybe he wouldn’t have sucked.
Mike Lansing- This one kinda shocked me. I always thought of him as a small quick guy. Shows what I know.
Mike Stanton- Traveling Mike on the juice? Maybe this explains why he was in the league for 40 years.
Paxton Crawford- His name came up months ago. I barely remember the guy but it still fires me up that he was using while on the Red Sox.
Mo Vaughn- This one really hurts. Add him to the “Say it Ain’t So” Group too. It was said he used it to rehab his ankle... but man, does this do a number on my inner child Sox fan.

The “Bad Rumor” Group
This is a collection of names that were on a false early report leaked this morning or just rumored from some other spot. NONE OF THESE GUYS ARE IN THE FINAL REPORT.

Albert Pujols- One of the faces of baseball? I feel like we dodged a bullet here.
Nomar Garciaparra- This would have made me sad…
Trot Nixon- …but not as much as this and…
Jason Varitek- …not NEARLY as much as this.
Carl Evertt- Crazy Carl is all natural.
Johnny Damon- Would have made some sense…and made me laugh.
"Your Kiss"- As reported by Hall and Oats.
A-Rod- Not mentioned at all, but I did notice he pushed to get his contract finished before the report came out today…makes you think…well, not really.

So that’s my personal short version of the guys who graced the content of this fine publication. But now that the Mitchell Report is public…there are still a lot of questions. Are these all stone cold facts (not really)? What’s gonna happen to these guys who got caught (probably nothing)? Should this list even have been made (yeah…but maybe not for the public)?

It’s kinda like Pandora's Box, but the lid's been off for years…we’ve just never looked inside before. This might have been something that could have been done internally, but alerting the public and media gives just the amount of outrage to the story.

The moral of this report? Try not to hangout with Paul Lo Duca and don’t pay for Roids with checks. Words to live by.