All These (bad) Things That I’ve Done

ALCS Game 4: Boston Red Sox 4, Tampa Bay Rays 13

Breaking down the Red Sox players using lyrics from a semi-emo pop alt band? I guess it’s the best I can do with this mess.

When there’s no where else to run/ is there room for one more son
To Tim Wakefield the Game 4 starter. And the answer is no. He was supposed to be our stopper and he couldn’t go 3 innings. More runs, more homers, more of the same. He left the Sox with their backs up against the wall. That might have even been his last appearance in the Red Sox uniform. That thought alone has put a damper on the entire postseason in my mind.

If you can hold on, hold on
To Masterson and Oki. Maybe one of the brightest spots in these disasters, these guys have done a pretty good job of keeping runs off the board. Can’t complain about this part of the pen.

I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
To Jason Bay. The other bright spot this October. Everyone misses Manny (his bat anyway) but the offensive and defensive prowess of Bay has made the Sox look a lot less wimpy then they actually are. The thought of having him for another year keeps me out of the knife drawer after these games end.

I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
To the injured Mike Lowell. The Sox offense was really missing his bat. I know Kotsay has been nailing those line drives, but the Lowell blasts off and over the wall could have really helped this series. His surgery next week hopefully can fix his hip issue… otherwise the Sox are going to need to make some major acquisitions in the off-season.

Another head aches, another heart breaks/ I am so much older than I can take
To the captain Jason Varitek. This man looks 10,000 years old at the plate. When Cash hit that MEATBALL into the monster seats in the 3rd inning, the first thing I thought was “wow I think that would have blown Tek away.” His bat speed could be compared to molasses dripping off a table. Oh… and there is no one to really take his place in the Sox minors… awesome.

And my affection, well it comes and goes
To Jacoby Ellsbury and the pink hats that love him. He was hot for the ALDS and has become a black hole in the ALCS. So much so that he didn’t get the start tonight and Coco took the spot. The pretty boy can’t look more lost at the plate and that’s the last thing you want out of your supposed leadoff hitter.

I need direction to perfection, no no no no
To Jon Lester who had the No-No early this season, looked great against the Angels… but sucked against the Rays. I am confident he will be back on top next year… but boy does he look burnt out.

Yeah, oh don’t you put me on the backburner
For Sean Casey who has been put to the VERY bottom of the Sox bench. Is he hurt? Is he banging Francona’s wife? Did he murder someone in Istanbul and is currently serving a life sentence in a Turkish prison? We may never know, but we do know he isn’t getting the bats that his slap single style deserves.

Yeah, you got to help me out
To Mike Timlin, Javier Lopez and Manny Delcarman. SOMEBODY help me understand why these guys have jobs. They have been nothing but awful and it hurts my SOUL watching them pitch. Delcarman alone may make DC turn into a homicidal maniac. As I write this he is asking me if “this will incriminate him in court” during a trial that may or may not happen… if they find the body that is. All scary stuff.

You’re gonna bring yourself down/ Yeah, you’re gonna bring yourself down
To Kevin Youkilis and Dustin Pedrioa. These two have done everything in their power to drag the Sox into the post season and are kicking and flailing wildly to keep them there. Check out the body language on these two. They look like they are frustrated beyond all imagination and THEY WON last year. I think they might go on a 4 state killing spree after this thing ends.

I got soul, but I’m not a soldier
To the hollow men: David Ortiz and Josh Beckett. These two guys were the ROCKS that this team was based on… and neither of them has come through in this ALCS. Beckett looked so bad in game two that people clamed he was hurt. And I almost wish he was because at least that would explain it! I could not imagine another scenario where I WANT the ace of a staff to have a game hampering injury. As for David Ortiz… well maybe it’s the wrist injury and maybe it’s the loss of Manny’s protection… but I know Pig Papi, and THIS man is NOT Big Papi.

Over and out, last call for sin
To the Red Sox and Dice-K. Game 5 is perhaps the last game of the season for the Sox and it is up to Matsuzaka to help pick this team out of the gutter. Do I trust the big import to shut down the rolling Rays? Not really. But there is no other option now. Smoke’em if ya got ‘em.

While everyone’s lost, the battle is won
And this one is for the Tampa Bay Rays. Watch your back fellas. The Sox were in this same exact hole last season against the Indians and we know how that turned out. Now I know this isn’t the same team and they don’t have the same pop and drive… and well… talent… but the Rays better win ASAP, because you don’t want to give the Sox some life… that’s all I am saying.

If you can hold on… hold on.

Funeral March

ALCS Game 2: Boston Red Sox 8, Tampa Bay Rays 9

It has taken me over 24 hours to write this because... well I dunno... maybe I just can't accept that the Sox blew that game so badly and I certainly don't know how to put it into words. I could write tomes about the failures of this hobbled ghost of a pitcher that calls himself Josh Beckett. I could narrate epic poems about the shell of David Ortiz. I could even wax frustration over the scrappy Tampa line up that just seems to happy and excited to be here...

But no... I will avoid all of this to talk about Mike Timlin: the second closer on the Red Sox staff. When I say "second closer" it really is the opposite of everything a closer is. He the ANTI-closer. The BIZZARO-closer. The closer from the dimension where Kirk has a moustache. When Timlin enters a game it means the Red Sox DON'T WANT to win. It mean Francona looked at his watch and realized he would rather be asleep... and called in Timlin to put the game away... one way or the other (and it is ALWAYS the other). His entrance music is Black Betty... but it should be a funeral dirge. A march of the soon to dead.

Look, I am not doing this to bash Mike Timlin. The guy is (was) a horse for us. He has 4 rings for heavens sake. He helped bolster the Sox bullpen for years.... but those are years past. Long past. I feel bad about it, but he has no place on a competitive baseball team. After last nights disaster... he should retire before the World Series if the Sox make it or not.

That's enough vitriol. I want to move on to Jon Lester and his cancer killing pitches, I want a win in Boston and I want the drama taken out of this series. Is that too much to ask?

In Retrospect, Fun WASN'T Had

This final game against the Rays made me eat a bag of pain and crap a fountain of sorrow. It was poorly managed (bad pinch hitting and running choices Tito) and lacked any type of clutch hitting that could be imagined... I want to run and hide from that damn Rays Bullpen... why did they look so good?

Ugh. I am too tired to go into detail, but Mike Timlin... you are done baby... done, done, done.

Getting No-Hit in the Big Game

Having an opposing pitcher shut you down is one of the most humiliating ocurances in all of sports. The 0 that pops up next to your teams name in the box score is a constant reminder that:

a). You just witnessed an amazing moment that people will talk about years from now.

And

b). Your team was on the ass end of it.

Now you may be thinking I am talking about the near miss the Sox had facing Lackey the other night, but this is more of a metaphor. Sure, Lackey went into the 9th and was 2 outs away from a traditional no-hitter, but that threat was ended when Pedroia lined a single into the outfield and Youk hit a bomb into the monster. Goodbye shut out, goodbye no hitter, hello plain old demoralizing loss.

No, the real no-hitter the Red Sox are facing right now is the “Front Office No-Hitter”. It’s is dangerously close to the trade deadline and NO DEALS have hit the horizon that have looked like ANYTHING the contenders in this league are making.

Angels (who swept the Sox as I typed this) got Teixeira who just so happened to be the power piece they needed. Well done there… weren’t they already the best team in the league?

Meanwhile the Yankees (remember them?) hit the jackpot with Nady and Marte from the Pirates (who they basically gave nothing) and replaced the hurt Posada with Pudge “freaking” Rodriguez from the Tigers for…. KYLE FARNSWORTH??? Come on! That’s like trading in a dime for 5 nickels.

But lest I forget, the Red Sox made a pretty big pickup too. Yep Boston recently received the “Screw this place, I hate it here” Manny for almost nothing! Just when you thought he was out of your hair, grumpy Manny popped up again and the media came with him. Now I know this looks like the end of the road for Manny… and maybe it is… but does anyone honestly think the Red Sox can trade him for any value? As Eric pointed out, the trades offered look pretty silly.

But then again, at this point the Sox would almost be right to trade Manny for 30 cents on the dollar because I really don’t think that $20 mill option is getting picked up and you would like to get SOMETHING for his years of service (besides him hating Boston suddenly and being hated back) and with the way the front office is swinging and missing… they aren’t gonna make any real contact before the deadline is long past. I think we need to get used to third place (behind the Yanks and Rays) and forget about the playoffs this season. Hell, in the abbreviated words of Jim Mora:

“Playoffs? Playoffs? I'm just hoping we can win a game…”

Game 85: The Young Upstarts

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 4, Tampa Bay Rays 5

I’m afraid again. It has been awhile since I’ve felt the fear of not being the best, the fear of another supplanting your dominance or unwillingness to relinquish their own. In 2003 and 2004 that fear was instilled in me by the Yankees. They were the team to beat for over 20 years… and historically over the last 75. When the Sox got over that hump and won in 2004, I knew it was going to take a lot to bring that fear back.

Last year, the Sox put that fear into everyone else. They looked like favorites, played like favorites and powered through the season and postseason like favorites. I knew they were the top dogs, the kings of the hill and unfortunately, the team with the target on their back. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Now every young gun, every piss and vinegar filled jack-rabbit wants to take a run at the big boy. Knock the Sox off their pedestal. And as you can see… the Rays are throwing rocks that have been hitting their mark.

This game was a microcosm of the year at large. A defacto spot starter-turned 4th starter (Masterson) pitched just well enough to lose and the offense hit just well enough to miss a rally in the 9th. I’m not one to blame Lugo… oh wait… yes I am! Nevermind.

Maybe it’s the injuries (we miss Papi) or maybe it’s the lack of consistency (the bullpen is insane) but the Sox aren’t making the plays, placing the pitches or getting the hits that a champ would in their situation. What’s truly freighting… is that the Rays are doing all those things.

They are too young to know complacency, too fresh to weaken and too good to dismiss.

The Sox are a team of power and intimidation… so why is Tampa making eye contact and waiting for us to blink? This may be the year they learn not to back down. I hope I’m wrong.

Game 56: Go East Young Men

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 0, Seattle Mariners 1

Ok that’s it. Let’s go back to the Atlantic shore people. Nothing to see here. Pack it in and call it a day. 1 out of 6 on the West coast is pitiful and I’m not even shocked. We suck on the road and that’s about all I can say.

Wake was great but wasted. Between his performance and the negative MRI on Dice-K’s arm that’s about all I can muster for a silver lining in this crap sandwich. What the hell happens to the bats when we cross the Rocky Mountains? They smell that Pacific ocean breeze and forget that they have to hit the ball. Put it in play damnit! 4 runs in 3 games against a team that is under .500 is not acceptable. This is bush league.

Ugh. Now we got a 3 game series with the Orioles who don’t seem to be the pushovers they were last season. I wonder if these count as home games because I know Sox Nation always represents in Baltimore. I can only hope.

Game 27: Where is Harry Doyle When you Need Him?

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 0, Tampa Bay Rays 3

Playing the hard drinking announcer Harry Doyle, the immortal Bob Uecker said in Major League:

“That's all we got? One goddamn hit?”

Well the Red Sox did better than that... they got two. Ugh. Scott Sheids shut them down for a complete game shut out that made me want to crawl back in bed. Not a happy Sunday.

Worse than that, the Sox wasted the 13K gem from Beckett. He dominated over 7 innings and would have had an even better line if it wasn’t for the 2 error run in the 3rd and the solo shot by Longoria in the 7th. It seems every good pitching performance is going right into the loss column lately. It’s easy to blame bad luck… but it’s even easier to blame the bad hitting… so I am gonna do that.

Now factor in a bullpen with more leaks than a canoe made from swiss cheese (they gave up another run today) and we got a fantastic losing combination. That’s 5 stinkers in a row if anyone is counting. Care to close it out Harry?

“The post-game show is brought to you by... Christ, I can't find it. To hell with it.”

2007 ALCS Game 3: Misery (Frustrated Incorporated)

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 2, Cleveland Indians 4

They say misery loves company /We could start a company /And make misery

Forget Soul Asylum, I may need an insane asylum after this mess is over. Between McCarver’s moronic ramblings and the near subliminal TransFormers pomos Fox has been showing, it’s amazing to think that the GAME was the most infuriating distraction of the evening. Almost everything that could have gone wrong with this game went that way… and quickly.

Dice K couldn’t get out of the 5th inning. He looked effective out of the gate, but AARP member Kenny Lofton got the cheapest homerun ever, making it 2-0 early (and who the hell takes a curtain call in the 2nd inning????). Then in the 5th, the Japanese import collapsed like a grass house in a tsunami. Before Bono could unite celebrities and get him some foreign aid, the Indians put up two more runs and Timlin came in to save his expensive ass from further humiliation.

And while Dice-K was being beat, Westbrook was handling the Sox with smoke and mirrors. I guess I can’t totally blame magic on Westbrook’s performance, the Sox had the bases loaded in the second with no outs (0 runs), a leadoff double in the fourth (0 runs) and a pile of walks with nothing to show for it. It was like drinking glass. Double play after double play. I just wanted to hide my head after every at-bat before the 7th inning.

Put me out of my misery /I'd do it for you, Would you do it for me? /We will always be busy, making misery

Not helping ANYBODY was the home plate umpire and his ever shifting, ever shrinking strikezone. It’s up, it’s down, it’s left, it’s right. Inside, outside, high, really high… but never very low. How much do you suck when the best thing I can say about your game calling is “well, at least he didn’t call a low strike ever?” If Dice-K crap performance had left me with any energy, I would be throwing things around the room.

Other random notes from this game:

Sizemore has a cheering section called “Grady’s Ladies” and are made up of the hottest chicks in Cleveland. 8 women and 6 teeth.

Cleveland is full of those awful white towel swingers. Doesn’t that mean you’re surrendering? If this ever started in Fenway it would force me to jump under the T in Kenmore.

I think Timlin’s playoff diet is gunpowder and dead babies. Mixed together.

Tek hit his 2 run shot to dead center and had me screaming thanks to the terrible Fox camera angle. I was sure it was going to be caught by the short stop.

Speaking of Fox, I thought I would miss them after the disaster on TBS… I got over that quick. McCarver and Buck still talk like they learned the sport last week and graphics like “Asdrubal Cabrera is the first player to be named Asdrubal in MLB history!” gives me an urge to just watch the MLB GameCast and listen to the radio.

All I wanted to see this series was Cleveland’s closer, and finally Wedge put the awful Borowski in with a 2 run lead. Careful what you wish for. He got the Sox in order with very little drama. No breaks, no luck, just more frustration.

Put me out of my misery /All you suicide kings and you drama queens /Forever after happily, making misery /Frustrated, incorporated, Frustrated, incorporated.

Game 148: Steps for Dealing with Grief

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 7, New York Yankees 8

Step 1: Denial

There is no freaking way we should have lost that game. I won’t believe it! I can’t believe it! I SHANT believe it! I mean how… HOW do they piss away a 5 run lead after Dice-K pitched so well? It’s unfathomable. Honestly, this can’t be happening.

Step 2: Anger

I will take a tire iron and go right upside Francona’s head. Where does that freakshow get off leaving Oki in there for as long as he did? Forget the back-to-back homers, I wouldn’t have let him START that inning. And freaking Papelbon? What the hell man? You blond disaster! How is it possible that you let EVERY FREAKING BASERUNNER score in that inning? I want to make a map of New England in you entrails. And don’t get me started on the goddamn Yankee lineup. May all their children be born with tiny penises… even the girls.

Step 3: Bargaining

It’s fine though. Really it’s all ok. We drop the first one (I had it in my head as a loss anyway) and we’ll win the next two. Not a big deal. We’re still in first by 4.5 games and even if we lose everything we’re STILL in first by 2.5. Really… not a big deal at all.

Step 4: Depression

(This step happened last night from about 12:00 till I passed out. I am amazingly hung over right now.)

Step 5: Acceptance

What a way to lose. It was the biggest tease of the season, but yes, even this shall pass. Getting to the playoffs is the ultimate goal and if they can learn from losses like this then it might just have to be the price we pay. The bullpen is taxed, there are holes in the line up and some of the starters are beginning to slow down. Take it all in a move on. The next two days don’t get any easier.

Game 145: Sometimes You Get The Horns

Final Score: Tampa Bay Devil Rays 1, Boston Red Sox 0

I have very little to say about this mess. Schilling pitched a HELL of a game. He really pitched a 6 inning gem minus a double and a sac fly in the 5th. The Sox bullpen was solid, the defense was money… but great googley-moogley there was nothing the bats could do against Kazmir. He went 7 strong, had 10 K’s and made the Sox look stupid at the plate. I am left here looking at a 5 game lead and nursing a sour stomach. It’s one of those games where you shake your head and wonder how your beer got so empty so fast. It’s a game you wish you could UNwatch.

We just got dominated by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Man... that looks even worse in writing.

Game 135: Ouch Ouch Ouch

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 8, Baltimore Orioles 9

Days of pain are among us. With Belli and Manny already down with injuries, it was only a matter of time before other players would follow suit. Wake (tonight’s original starter) was scratched with a sore back (could mean anything) and the long over due for an injury winner J.D. Drew bounced a foul ball off the top of his foot, managed to finish the at-bat, and then cried like a girl as he limped his way back to the dugout. Wuss. Other potential trouble in this game happened to Coco (banged into a wall), Ortiz (hit in the ribs) and Youk (hit in the arm).

Anyway, so that means we have Tavarez starting, Hinske in left and Kielty (who’s ALSO hurt) playing right. This has all the makings of a disaster. If I only knew.

It was a travesty. Apparently nobody told Tavarez that he was pitching past the 3rd inning and fell apart like Brittney Spears career. Now I remember why this guy is a reliever. And speaking of relievers, Timlin’s 1,000th appearance was one I wish he didn’t make. He came in, looked tough, and sucked hard. I just cry when I remember how money this guy was for us over the years… and what he’s become now. PLEASE RETIRE after this year. It’s time to bow out gracefully.

To add some salt and lemon to these wounds, the Sox almost managed to WIN this embarrassment. In the 9th, the ALWAYS atrocious Danny Baez tried to throw the game away, but Tek wouldn’t let him. He hit into a double play to end it with the tying run on 2nd. Where is the clutch? Where are the walk-offs? Where are the heroes? The pain… the pain...

Game 127: “I love Tampa” (not so much)

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 1, Tampa Bay Devil Rays 2

You can’t help but be in awe of Curt Schilling. He didn’t pitch today, he didn’t pitch in this series, and yet he manages to get everyone (including me) talking about him. On WEEI he mentioned that he wouldn’t mind being on the D-Rays next year. EXCUSE ME?? Curt… baby… sweetheart… would you mind shutting up for a few months till we get this season done before you talk about going to a perennial last place team? Yeah thanks bud. Oh, and while you’re at it… put a bid on Papi’s car so we can get that out of the way too.

Back to the game… the Sox played the last of this series in Tampa like they wanted to leave as soon as possible. In fact, I think they wanted to leave an hour before game time. Manny took the night off and Pedroia and Hinske were removed for an elbow bruise and leg strain respectively (both day-to-day).

Anyway, the Sox left base runners on with a fierceness and verve I have NEVER seen. Runners on in every inning, most of them are still there. 9 hits, 6 walks, 1 HBP and only one run?? That has to be some kind of freaking record.

Pitching-wise Dice-K looked amazing through his first few innings. Well placed pitches, strikeouts, the whole shee-bang. But in the 6th he gives up a 2 run homer to Upton and it’s all done! With this pathetic run support, 2 runs look more like 30 (oh wait… that was the Baltimore/Texas game... craziest thing EVER!!).

Timlin had some trouble in the 7th, but gets out of it with no damage (great throw home by Youk). Gagne was soooo close in getting his first perfect inning with the Sox, but managed to squeak a walk in there. But again, it doesn’t matter without the run support.

14 left on base. 14. That’s a big number. Couldn’t BUY a clutch hit? Well then I got something you can clutch. Just add this to the pile of games that make me sick to my ass.

Game 93: A Sad State

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 3, Kansas City Royals 9

The Royals? We got our asses kicked by the Royals? This is like coming in second in the Special Olympics except you KNOW you’re retarded. Where’s the short bus and the rubber pants because the Sox are ready to take the slow road to head-slapping-town.

Honestly I don’t have the time or the patience to go into how much of a disaster this was (Wakefield I am looking at you) because I am moving and causing a drastic change in the blog format (more on that to come later).

This was seriously the worst thing that could have happened. Doesn’t anyone realize that the Yankees are breathing down our necks (only 8 games back now)? Don’t people know that a .500 record isn’t going to cut it for the rest of the season? Hasn’t the bench duo of Hinske and Mirabelli been bad enough to induce vomiting in most rational humans?

These are the dregs and we are supposed to beat up on the dregs. This calls for ultimate phony parental crazy guilt.

Ahem…

The Sox don’t have the best record in baseball… is that what you wanted? To be second best? How can you do this to this to our nation/family? Haven’t we cared for you enough? Haven’t we been there through thick and thin? DO YOU WANT TO SEE US IN PAIN??? Look… you’ve made your mother cry. She’s crying because you fail. Just go. Do whatever you want, but don’t come crawling back here expecting a playoff run. God, you make me so crazy.

See? Scary wasn’t it? More losses like this and there's more where that came from. You’ve been warned, Red Sox.

Game 65: We Suck

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 1, Colorado Rockies 7
This baffles me. Really. I had the hardest time writing anything about this mess. I have been without words for hours just running the replay in my mind and staring at the box score. Here are some of the alternate titles I came up with while trying to write a post on this disaster:

The Cookie Crumbles
Broken Beckett
Josh Beckett Vintage 2006
Rocky Mountain Lows
Failure to Start
A Short Story Involving Poor Hitting, Poor Pitching and Violence
Lugo, Drew, and Coco: Wastes of Space or Wastes of Money?
Drew Leading Off and Other Terrible Ideas
I’m Down With LOB
It Takes a Village… to Leave That Many People on Base
This Was the Easy Series
Who the HELL is Jeff Francis?

Why Crappy Timlin When Delcarman Goes Wanting?
Lugo is Hitting .212!!! How is That Even Possible?
10 Runs in 5 Games and Other Stats That Make Me Cry
It Only Gets Worse
From 14 ½ to 7 ½
Yankees in the Rearview Mirror are Closer Than They Appear

And that’s it! That’s all I got. I am freaking fed up with this lack of everything good we had in the first 2 months of the season. Now add that to the fact that the Yankees haven’t lost in 2 weeks… and all that gloating I did earlier looks rather silly.

Yup… rather silly.