Stop the (Day Game) Insanity!

I have a theory about Boston's current streak of sucktastitude, their 4 and 9 start, their 5 game losing streak, their 1 and 6 home record, their 3 for their last 10, and it has nothing to do with voodoo like team slumps or lack of gelling or anything crazy like that. No, the real problem is a preponderance of day games.

Bear with me, I have a half serious theory on this one.

Six out of the first thirteen games took place during the day (including some weekend games), which was fun for me because it meant I got to listen to baseball at work, but seems to have been absolutely awful for the Sox, because they lost most of them. They even lost the Patriots' Day game - where the Sox have the advantage because that game is so bloody early - and lost it so badly that Paul Revere is probably still spinning in his grave from shock. And besides coincidence, here's why day games matter: strong defense requires stealth, and stealth cannot be accomplished without the dark of night. Unlike our Baltimorean neighbors in the standings, the Red Sox are not a .300 team; it'll just take a few less day games to start that climb back to respectability.

Game 99: Complete (game) Disaster

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 2, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 4

99 times out of 100 when you see complete game by Beckett in the box score, you jump for joy at the big win he laid down on some poor bastard. Well Saturday, Beckett went the distance but the poor bastards were from Boston.

All it took was one bad inning (the 7th) and the Sox fell hard to the Angels again. The offense had it’s chances but couldn’t put up more than 2 runs on the LA pitching. Meanwhile, Beckett looked solid, but ran into some trouble when Vlad homered and then some back to back singles in the aforementioned 7th (one should have been an error on Lowrie) ended with a 3 run double. It might have even been worse if not for an AMAZING catch by Coco.

But enter the soon to be free agent K-Rod and the game was over. Ugly. I hate losing these close games. Tonight the Sox try to prevent the sweep. Honestly, I’m not that hopeful.

Game 86: A New Anti-Level

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 1, Tampa Bay Rays 3
I was casting about for ways to describe to you, in text, my feelings about this abortion of a game, something that might encapsulate the visceral disgust I felt at seeing the Sox create situation after situation where they might score, only to flub something, then flub something else, and find themselves retiring to the dugout with men left stranded on base, pleading for home. Hell, it got to the point where I didn't want them to put anymore men on base, because it just delayed the inevitable: would they fish or cut bait?

But you know what? You don't come up with new adjectives every day. You definitely don't come up with new ones that can add a new twist to the same old nightmare: no one hits when they should; the bullpen gives up runs when they shouldn't; underachievement and the hangover of a June swoon make the Sox about as ugly as the beer-goggled late-night bar trophy the morning after. Pretty hard to describe all of that again in detail without choking on some bile.

Instead, I had a flash of inspiration: you know that song New Level, by Pantera? For those not in the know: it's the sort of thing you play when you're trying to psych yourself up, because not only does it rock, but it's all about hitting a new high of confidence and self-empowerment as you do something. That song came into my head after this loss, because when you come right down to it, tonight the Sox hit a new anti-level, of lack of confidence and suckitude. So watch the video, and pretend they're saying the exact opposite of what they're saying in the song. Enjoy:

Game 36: The Hell Game

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 9, Detroit Tigers 10

Honestly, I am such a ball of rage and fury right now that I can’t form real sentences. I’m gonna have to do this in bullet point form:

-Sox hot young arm vs Tigers junk ball pitcher. Trap game? Worse…
-Lowrie fell flat on his face running out of the box. Ugly start rookie.
-Buchholz hit like a no-armed prize fighter. Early and often.
-Sox bounce back. Keeping it close.
-I keep thinking Tigers have Andres Galarraga. But he’s retired… and doesn’t pitch.
-I hate Polanco. He kills us.
-YOUK! 2 homers?! That’s 3 in 2 days if you’re counting at home.
-Tavarez should be benched for any softball pitcher from any girls college.
-No way we can win this. Lopez and Aardsma warming. Forfeit to prevent any injuries?
-Tigers bullpen is awful. These guys miss the tank when pumping gas.
-This umpire needs a white cane. He strikezone is an amorphous blob.
-Ellsbury will never be caught stealing. He should rob banks.
-I can’t believe we are only down by 3 this could be…
-OMG!!!
-MIKE LOWELL
-MIKE “FREAKING” LOWELL 3 run HR TO TIE!!! 8-8!!
-Love this Tigers bullpen!
-Pedroia! Pinch hit go-ahead single! What a come back! What a game!
-Oki in trouble… strike ‘em out, throw ‘em out! WHAT A PLAY!
-Jim Leyland could have a stroke tonight.
-Can’t score off Todd Jones? I can’t believe he still plays this game.
-Papelbon in… game over…
-Wait what?
-Oh no
-Oh no
-MUST…KILL…JULIO LUGO.
-9th inning error (Lugo’s 10th on the year) cost us the lead. I want his freaking head.
-Lugo needs to be dropped in South Boston in full uniform. He wouldn’t make it 5 steps.
-Papelbon vs Polanco… oh no.
-Yep… Polanco kills us.
-First blown save and loss of the year for Papelbon. I’m sick.
-Check the box score. No earned runs for Papelbon. Lugo can die in a fire.
-How did they lose this??? HOW??
-I am switching between white knuckle rage and nausea. I can’t stand it.
-F*** you Lugo.
-Papelbon is just as mad… he’s ballistic in the clubhouse. Can’t blame him.
-Buchholz maybe hurt ankle? Great…
-I need to throw up. I only wish it was in Lugo’s hat. Somebody break his knees.

Game 30: The Good, The Bad and The Mediocre

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 0, Toronto Blue Jays 3

Another Thursday, another post from DC. His words follow:

The Good: The defense was top notch for both teams tonight. Both pitchers were helped out tremendously throughout the game as the guys in the field consistently pulled them out of jams. Together, the defenses turned 3 double plays and Coco saved a run by gunning down Eckstein at home. Each defensive effort included a spectacular, potentially game-saving play as well. For the Sox, Manny made a spectacular catch to end a bases loaded threat in the forth and keeping it a one run ball game. Unfortunately, the following inning, Aaron Hill dove to snag a line drive and double up a Sox runner which ended what turned out to be the Sox only real threat of the night.

The Bad: What is it with our offense?! No runs on 3 hits? 3 runs in an entire 3 game series against a division team? Somebody needs to remind these guys that the goal is to hit the little white ball with the stick of wood and then touch all 4 of the white squares spread throughout the field. That’s how you score runs. Seriously, the entire offense seems out of whack right now. There isn’t one guy who gives you that “Oh, he’s absolutely getting a hit here” feeling when he comes up to bat.

The Mediocre: The pitching tonight was bad on both sides. AJ Burnett wasn’t bad, surrendering only 3 hits in 7.2 innings, but he did manage to walk as many batters as he struck out. On the flip side, Wake didn’t have his sharpest outing and couldn’t get a single strikeout. However, he only allowed 3 runs on 6 hits and once again ate up 7 innings. Basically, Wake did his typical thing: scattered some hits, ate up some innings, kept his team in the game and got the loss due to a completely inept looking offense.

Game 27: Where is Harry Doyle When you Need Him?

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 0, Tampa Bay Rays 3

Playing the hard drinking announcer Harry Doyle, the immortal Bob Uecker said in Major League:

“That's all we got? One goddamn hit?”

Well the Red Sox did better than that... they got two. Ugh. Scott Sheids shut them down for a complete game shut out that made me want to crawl back in bed. Not a happy Sunday.

Worse than that, the Sox wasted the 13K gem from Beckett. He dominated over 7 innings and would have had an even better line if it wasn’t for the 2 error run in the 3rd and the solo shot by Longoria in the 7th. It seems every good pitching performance is going right into the loss column lately. It’s easy to blame bad luck… but it’s even easier to blame the bad hitting… so I am gonna do that.

Now factor in a bullpen with more leaks than a canoe made from swiss cheese (they gave up another run today) and we got a fantastic losing combination. That’s 5 stinkers in a row if anyone is counting. Care to close it out Harry?

“The post-game show is brought to you by... Christ, I can't find it. To hell with it.”

Game 7: Canada Blows

Final Score: Boston Red Sox 4, Toronto Blue Jays 7

Seriously, who gives a care about those ice eating, moose screwing, northerner bastards? The Sox get swept by the blue-birds of unhappiness and it hurts even MORE because we got the ACE back today… and what was he good for? NADA, NOTHING, ZIP!

Well Mr. Ace Beckett loaded the bases, and MDC unloaded them with one pitch (Ugly). Then when you include the batting problems (Hideous) it was just about what you would expect (Margaret Thatcher FUGLY).

Man… I am in shock here. This was supposed to be the gimme win and we are left with a solo shot from Jacoby (full on man crush), Tek (captain comes through), and J.D. Drew (total 180 from last year? LOVE IT)… and that’s it? Sigh… that’s nothing compared to Lugo’s 3 damn errors!

Look, I just want someone to tell me when I can freak out. 2 weeks? 4? A month? Just let me know when it isn’t too early to flip my lid. Let’s say I wait a week before I go into crazy “trade everyone cause they all suck” mode, but isn’t that going against the evidence? Overwhelming evidence like:

Starting pitching? Not there.
Relievers? Shaky and dwindling.
Bats? Not too hot yet.

If I was in CSI then the trendy music would already be blearing as I gaze at the bad guy from across the table. Cause I know that bastard is gulty.

But maybe it’s just the location. Maybe three countries in as many weeks is too much of a strain on any team. We will cross these bridges of dementia and bitterness after the first home stand. Come on final opening day… deep breaths.

My Eyes! My Eyes! Some Things You Can't Un-see!

This is my team? These guys? This THING? What the HELL?

No it wasn't the devastating loss to the Twins (ouch Buchholtz) that I'm complaining about. That's just Spring Training.

I'm a little more concerned with the loss of dignity. Papelbon... you look like a tranny. I never thought I would be saying THIS, but thank God Mike Lowell can dance. Oh and Pedroia? Put a shirt on. Damn...

Game 42: How the Other Half Lives (a one act play).

Final Score: Atlanta Braves 14, Boston Red Sox 0

Scene: The Red Sox dugout right before the second game of the doubleheader.

Francona: Alright team, get over here. I want to run a little exercise in empathy and understanding. It will help us get a feeling for what the other teams in our division are going through.

Pedroia: Coach… you mean not every team in the AL East has over a .600 winning percentage?

Lowell: Yeah Tito. Doesn’t everybody have a staff full or starters that go 7 innings+ every night?

Ortiz: And don’t they all have big run producers like me?

Francona: Sorry guys, not even close. In fact, we are the only team above .500 and the rest barely are getting by with the rookies they call up.

Team in unison: Wow! We had no idea!

Francona: I know it’s hard to understand, but sometimes other teams don’t hit the ball as well as we do and most of these teams don’t have 5 starters that go the distance every start. We’re lucky… and it’s about time we recognize that fact.

Hansack: Sounds good skipper. So what do we do?

Francona: Well I’m glad you asked Derven (or whatever your freakin name is). I want you to go out there and pitch like a complete spaz. Homeruns, walks, come-backers you can’t handle… the whole shebang.

Hansack: You got it!

Francona: And after you’ve stunk up the joint, I want the bullpen to come in and be even worse. Got it guys?

Pineiro, Lopez, Romero and Donnelly: Alright coach. No problem.

Fancona: Oh and I almost forgot. Everyone in the batting order can take the night off.

Team in unison: Everyone?

Francona: That’s right, the lot of you. I don’t want to see any hitting out there. Nothing but fly balls and strikeouts ok? And as for fielding, forget it. Bobble, drop or throw away everything you can.

Manny: Coach, is this really going to show us how other teams play?

Francona: Sure it will Manny. We will get our asses kicked just like all the other teams. Now we can experience what a true spanking feels like.

Coco: Man, this sounds awful. Will we have to do this again?

Francona: Hmmm, I’m not sure Coco. Tomorrow the Braves are throwing Hudson at us. I guess you never know.

Gabbard: Hudson? That f-ing blows.

Francona: It sure does Kason… it sure does.

Fade