Scott Boras wants to be INSIDE you

By all accounts, the deal with D-Mat (yeah, he needs a better nickname) is going to be done very, very soon. The latest figures are between $50 and $60 million dollars over 6 years. Keep in mind that the Red Sox REALLY want him, the Seibu Lions were happy to give him up (the $51 million dollar palm greaser helped) and it seems that Matsuzaka is excited to play in the USA this year.

So why the hell did this go down to the wire? Why did Theo and Co. have to jaunt to LA (uninvited) and demand an impromptu meeting to get this deal done? Why did they need to stage a crazy plane ride across America and a rush into Mass General the day before the deadline? Why all the madness and craziness when it looked like all parties wanted to do this as clean and a quick as possible?

You want to know why?

Because Scott Boras eats babies.

Scott Boras beats up hobos for loose change.

Scott Boras only uses condoms made from rolled up $100 dollar bills.

If it wasn’t for baseball, Scott Boras would be breaking into your house right now.

Scott Boras told President Bush to “Stay the course” in Iraq.

Scott Boras doesn’t flush OR wash his hands when he uses public restrooms.

When Scott Boras has sex, he makes the 14 year old Filipino boy pay HIM afterwards.

“King Midas” is embroidered on all of the speedos Scott Boras owns.

Scott Boras made Brian Cashman shave his pubes before he could sign Johnny Damon.

Hell is too cold for Scott Boras.

This man… this evil, evil man is all that is BAD and wrong with baseball. He wipes his ass with the pages from Moneyball and could care less about things he finds petty like “fan bases” and “team loyalty.” Boras bows only to money…six figures or more. Lord help the poor GM writing the blank check for Zito this year. Boras will laugh and spit fire in his face as he takes it.

And yet we submit. He holds all the cards, he has all the control and all the best players are in his pocket. You must deal with Boras if you want to win and the bottom line is… teams, fans, and GM’s ALL want to win.

Now can we look at ourselves in a mirror after? Can we sleep with this snake and arise unbitten? Does winning absolve sins both morally and monetarily? Ask me in October. If the millionaires in blue hats with red “B’s” are playing late in October, you can ask me then.

As for now, I know Scott Boras is a kind and reasonable man who takes no notice of these petty jokes posted on some silly fan blog.

(Please Mr. Boras, don’t sue/kill/rape me. I was only kidding! I’m begging you!)