Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I Honestly Don't Understand

This diagram shows the process that got Theo the GM job again

So let me get this straight. After 3 months of limbo, 3 months of questions like “who’s running this place?” and “who let Damon get away?” and “why can’t these jokers find a home for Manny and Wells (and why can’t that home be Boston)”, 3 months of wondering why Boston’s favorite son has deserted his home… Theo’s back. And not just back. Back as the GM! BACK AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED!?!?! Is it just me? Am I dumb? I am the only person who really doesn’t understand what the deal was with this whole mess? I don’t get it, but I do have some theories:

  1. Theo realized he made a mistake and begged his way back in.
    He just left a dream job, with nearly unlimited decision making power and total fan support. He left because that power was fading under Lucchino and he wanted to find his own way. Big mistake. He came crawling back to his old title, only now he knows that his power will be decreased even MORE and Lucchino will have the real say over what happens in the front office. You know what? This isn’t right. This is the guy who brought us the Freaking World Series! He wouldn’t come crawling back like a bird on its belly
    ! No way…
  2. The front office realized they just lost the best man for this job and begged him to come back. That’s more like it. John Henry and Tom Werner probably promised to chain Lucchino to a desk somewhere underneath the Green Monster. Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington are losers! Those two sound like they should be staring in Brokeback Mountain, not running a ball club. It’s all yours again Theo. Do what you will. Ain’t no one stopping you now. Trade Nomar again! We’ll love you for it.
  3. The party line.
    ...There is, according to sources both on and off the ballclub, a less complicated rationale for Epstein’s return. He has now become convinced that the work environment has improved to the point where there is more listening, more cooperation and more of an ability to compromise when there are differences.
    – The Boston Herald
    Maybe… but then again what big changes were there? It looks like the same old crew to me.
  4. It isn’t really Theo Epstein. This new GM is just an android or some alien facsimile genetically engineered by Lucchino to look like the Theo we know and love. Never leaving the office, this creature will gather nutrients from the remains of media room buffet tables. Its true nature will become evident after the trading deadline we discover that its only moves were to up ticket prices, make Red Sox Nation cards mandatory and sign the frozen head of Ted Williams to a 4 year contract.
  5. Theo, the management and the ownership have all gone Coo-Coo. Damn you Coco Crisp.