The Helton You Say!

This happens almost every year. A trade rumor comes around that is SO juicy yet SO foul tasting… I want to distance myself from it completely. Maybe it’s because the guy we might be getting is overrated or maybe the other team is asking too much, but no matter how good it looks… something is fishy and I want no part of it. Before it was guys like A-Rod and Tejada. Looked good on paper and the deals were almost done, but nobody was really happy, too much was about to be given up and they never got the trigger pulled.

This year it looks like Todd Helton is the target. And just like before, talks are serious, high level and continuing. The current mumblings are that Mike Lowell and Julian Tavarez are going to Colorado for the hard hitting Helton. I guess that will put Youk back at 3rd base. That’s really something… woo… Todd Helton. Wow.

So yeah… it will never happen.

Now, I am not 100% sure it won’t happen, but I would put my certainty in the high 90% range. First off, this guy is owed A LOT of money and the Sox are going to want the Rockies to foot some of that bill. Big sticking point. Second, the Rockies also have mentioned interest in getting Manny Delcarman or Craig Hansen to sweeten the deal. Our psycho pitcher, defensive double hitting machine and our young reliever core? That’s asking quite a bit. Lastly, it’s freaking Todd Helton?!?! This guy is a big shot! The Red Sox only get big shots when:

a) Nobody had a clue it was going to happen.
b) He’s washed up and we get played for suckers.

So since I am talking about this right now… it isn’t option “a”.

So wow… it would be great if we got Todd Helton. A normal priced, 100% healthy, not old as the hills Todd Helton. But I don’t see that happening.

Schilling Vows 2008 Return

Three days ago, the news was Schilling for senator; kick John Kerry out and replace him with the Warrior of the Bloody Sock. Schilling said at the time he wasn't thinking political office (yeah, right), but even if the idea had tickled his fancy at the time, it takes a backseat to his current ambition: to return for the 2008 campaign. Schilling feels healthy, has his family's support, hopes he can return to the Sox, swears he won't go to New York, John Henry is thrilled, punch and pie for everyone.

I think more Schilling is a great concept (Schilling's still-strong abilities aside, him coming back to Boston in '08 keeps the pressure off of Beckett this year), but I'm not surprised he's thinking more time in the majors in the slightest, for two reasons:

1. We've come to a point in sports medicine where being a 39/40/41+-year-old pitcher ain't no thang. Clemens, Maddux, Smoltz, Johnson (once he goes back to the kinder climes of Arizona), Hoffman and Wakefield have all proven that if you can learn to pitch effectively as your body gets older, you can stay in the game much longer than you used to. Pitching in the NL doesn't hurt, but the principle is the same: learn to pitch smart and you'll pitch as long as you want to. Schilling is a competitor who loves to play. He'll keep playing as long as he's healthy and (because he's not Ricky Henderson, who just loves to play, period) there's a spotlight to shine on him.
   
   
2. And here I get cynical: he's got an eye on the Hall of Fame. He won't hit 300 wins in the time he's got left, but he'll be looking to add some additional relevant stats to his 3,000+ K collection to impress the voters in 2013 or so. Additional time on the mound will help him make his case.

Drew: Can't Live With Him, Can't Replace His Shoulder With A Servo

Woo, J.D. Drew's shoulder-hanging-by-a-thread throwing arm and his "patient bat" really will be playing in Boston next year. That's right: the deal that was done back on December 5 really is done, like, for reals, after working out some "minor issues." You know, like his shoulder falling off mid-swing on Opening Day. According to the Globe, the resolution to those minor issues is that Drew gets the first two years scot-free, but problems in the third year plus means cancellation of the contract after three years. Not bad, but that could very well mean three years of pain for RSN and Mr. Drew sitting in the sun doing his best Carl Pavano impression. Or it could be five years of hitting super awesomeness and fielding fairly decent awesomeness like the front office is promising.

Frankly, I don't think there's much of a choice here - Nixon's gone, the free agent pool is empty, Wily Mo doesn't seem to be the big time material quite yet and trading for someone means trading one of the young guns (which Robin will discuss in a future post). We're stuck with J.D. because someone needs to man the far reaches of right field and backup Coco Crisp when he misses a dive and the ball heads into the triangle and to spot for the Captain in the five hole in the lineup. I take a very realistic philosophy about baseball, because I know the best I can do is rail about it with my friends or in this blog and know that no one of consequence to the decision making is listening, because they've made up their minds. I'm willing to give Drew a shot, because I have no choice - and I'll give him his fair chance, too - but my jaw won't drop if Wily Mo is starting in right field starting in June.

The Closer Debate: SETTLED

Huh? No no no… not the pitcher. I have no idea who is going to end up in that role as the season progresses. Papelbon has the experience and the skill, but he should be starting. Donnelly isn’t gonna be able to shoulder the load alone, Tavarez scares me more than his Freddy Kruger counterpart and Joel Pineiro was busy sucking wind in Seattle last year. But this is all inconsequential. I have discovered something FAR more provocative.

If you remember last season (and I know many are trying to forget) you may recall the Golden Boy Papelbon was having trouble finding a song to come out of the bullpen to. His Closer Song. The most important thing a closer can have (besides… ya know… pitching skill). Paps was lost… took some suggestions… and never had anything that really popped (Ultimate Warrior music notwithstanding).

This turn of events created a tidal wave of opinions, lists and out right musical crusades from writers on this site and many others. Everyone claimed to have the best (or best 5) and KNEW that someone should use their ideas. Well, I know that this is kind of beating a dead horse, but today I get to tell you… you were all wrong.

The best song for a Closer was under my nose the whole time. Hiding in plain view in my classic rock collection. A song not written (there are no words) but EXPOLDED into creation.

I speak of Van Halen: Eruption.

Think about it… just for a moment. It’s short enough, it has a little pause and it rocks so hard that faces melt. Can you imagine a stoic figure walking in from the pen while the powerful guitar of Eddie V wails into the night? Can you imagine what Fenway would sound like after? I can… and it sounds like WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Now cut it right before the Kinks cover kicks in and it’s a masterpiece. I don’t care who you are… you are running 10,000 miles an hour when you hear this song. I got 10 speeding tickets sitting in my chair just THINKING about this. If this doesn’t get used (hell even a AAA Team could use it) I may have to march up to Boston and demand that this be played.

So argue all you want. Fight, kick and plead that there are better choices out there. That someone is already using something better. Make your lists and comments. You’re wrong, I’m right. It’s Eruption. Everything else is of secondary quality.

Now that that’s settled, the only question is… who’ll be coming out of the Sox pen when it plays?

One Dirt Dog…To Go.

Another one of the mystical elite 2004 Red Sox squadron has left the fold. Christopher Trotman Nixon will be a Cleveland Indian next year to make way for J.D. Drew (if that deal ever happens and it doesn’t look closer than it did yesterday). So, no longer will we see a dirty, scruffy, hustle machine patrol the area closest to the Pesky Pole. Losing him was inevitable and even with Drew in limbo (how LOW will his contract GO), Trot is too hurt, is too inconsistent and is just a little too easy to replace. Everyone knew this was going to happen.

Trot was one of the most underrated and overrated Sox players of this era. When you think about his play, his gung-ho, gutsy determination is always the first thing comes to mind. This is because it was the best thing he had going for him. Trot was a VERY average player. He never hit 30 homeruns, never got 100 RBI and his career average is below .280. This is a guy who HAD to give his all, because anything less would have been awful.

That being said… who else does that now? Who else puts it all out on the field and leaves nothing in the tank? It’s hard to find many millionaires who are willing to push that hard. Can you imagine if Manny tried as hard as Trot did every single day? He would be batting .400 with 70 homeruns a season. Now I’m not saying other guys don’t work hard… It’s just that Trot was going at 110% all the time.

This leads to another problem. When you burn the candle at both ends like that, it is going to get you hurt and Trot was a walking pile of injuries. He has missed some big chunks of time in almost every season. For a guy who so tough and wants it so bad, it must have killed him to be out with his bad back, hurt knees, busted leg and arm troubles. He defined the wounded warrior, but over all, it probably ended up hurting his numbers.

So is it even a loss statistically to see Trot move on? No. Nope. Not even a little. Drew can put up those numbers no problem. Is it a nostalgic and emotional loss? Yes sir. A HUGE one. Every major league game Trot has played in, he was going full blast, going non stop and wearing a Red Sox uniform. Every single game. That I will miss.

Good luck Mr. Trotski. See you May 28th when you are going to get the biggest round of applause of your life. You earned it.

Dice Clay and the Money Pit

I just came across a fascinating article from The Eagle-Tribune Online via Yanksfan vs Soxfan, which reveals that the Red Sox won't be making nearly as much money in merchandising or advertising from the Dice Clay deal as many of us (and I'm certainly a guilty party here) originally thought. The problem, it seems, is that the Sox only get exclusive rights to advertising and merchandising revenue when it's sold within the six New England states (with the exception of Fairfield County in Connecticut. If you were ever wondering about the official boundaries of Red Sox home turf versus Red Sox Nation, there you go). Everything else goes directly to MLB and gets split up according to the revenue sharing agreement.

Ok, so shame on the Sox for not thinking about this problem beforehand and spending $110 million on a pitcher...except I can't buy the idea of the Red Sox organization, a group of savvy business people, not taking that issue into account in the first place and finding a way around it. It could be a goodwill thing, as the Sox claim, except that's not the sort of thing you'd hear from a senior vice president of sales and marketing - it's his job to find economic opportunities available in a big name like Dice Clay and exploit them for the benefit of the club, not give up because of an existing restriction. Where's the creativity in not finding a way around the problem? Personally, I think the first commenter on the page might be on point: the Red Sox are owned by several companies, including a media group that (full disclosure) I work for. Finding a way to hide revenue (in a legal way, of course) generated by Matsuzaka certainly doesn't seem out of the realm of possibility.

However, let's say that it's not possible to convert Dice Clay's presence in a Red Sox uniform into much more cold, hard cash than the Sox are generating now. We still got a pitcher who's got the potential to be much, much, much better than either king of this year's free agent pool and did so at - posting fee aside - a much cheaper price. Call me an apologist, but would you want to give up Dice Clay even if you knew the Sox wouldn't earn the posting fee back for a number of years? At this point, me either.

Are You Frickin' Kidding Me?

I spotted a disturbing Murray Chass/NY Times piece in Google News today, after someone told me they had heard a rumor about the Giants trying to trade for Manny. No truth there from what I found, but "Unsigned Bonds Awaits Further Review" floats another unpleasant idea: with both Barry Bonds and J.D. Drew floating in contract limbo for the past few weeks (thank God) and the Giants looking like they're seriously considering the idea of killing Bonds's contract after the amphetamine news of last week reared its ugly head, Chass thinks the Red Sox should go after Bonds if he suddenly finds himself unemployed, giving the Sox to move Manny back to his original position in right field and (presumably) adding another explosive bat to the lineup.

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, I think that's a less-than-stellar idea. It comes down to two reasons:

1. On a purely technical level, the last time Manny played right field was five years ago, for a grand total of seven games. The last time he did so on a regular basis was in 2000, in Cleveland. Ignoring the difficulties of playing right field in Boston - remember the scary Wily Mo experiments last year? - it requires a lot of running and that's not really the Man-Ram's style. Bad idea right off.
2. Then we get to the real heart of the problem: it's Barry Bonds. Sure, he's put up some of the most impressive offensive statistics ever, but guess whose name shows up next to the definition when you look up "clubhouse cancer"? This is a guy who just threw his teammate under the bus as a defense for drug use. Can you imagine what it would be like in Boston, with the home run record chase, Bonds's reputation of hating everyone and everything AND the dreaded Boston sports media all working in the same sphere? The universe would probably fold in on itself.

Hopefully I'm just overreacting to write a post and this passing thought at the head of an article will remain nothing more than a passing thought. RSN has dodged too many bullets over the past few years to have the biggest bomb of them all come to town.

Charge This!

Thank you Patriots for proving my point, with one of the ugliest games of post-season football I've ever seen. A stadium full of Chargers fans, making as much noise as possible when the Pats had the ball and New England still managed to win the game...with some thanks to Marty Schottenheimer, who clearly should be giving clock managing - and challenge flag throwing - classes at Football Coach University.

Despite Tom Brady's less than stellar performance - and thanks to some impressive kicking by Stephen Gostkowski - the Patriots are still in the running for another Superbowl ring. Colts? At home? Cut that meat! Cut that meat!

The San Diego Chargers are Pussies

Forgive the non-baseball post, but I found this amusing: the San Diego Chargers are trying to limit attendance at this Sunday’s playoff game to home fans only by automatically canceling any orders placed online to credit cards whose billing addresses are not located in Southern California. The Chargers join the Bears as the only teams with this policy for the playoffs.

In other words, Chargers fans are so weak and Patriots fans so intimidating that the Chargers felt the need to stack the deck in favor of their team to give them a better chance to win and they did so in the only legal way possible. Whether or not this tactic will work is a better question – Red Sox Nation has some big overlap in Patriot fan territory and I’m pretty sure there’s a big contingent of Sox fans in Southern California, plenty able to buy tickets.

Are you the Key Master???

Some of you may remember our friend DC's first post back in November, when he ranted and raved about Wonderboy becoming the starting second baseman next year. Now he's back with another episode of "DC: Mad as Hell but Still Rational (with less of an emphasis on the rational part)," with some thoughts on this year's Hall of Fame balloting. Enjoy.

Let me start off by telling you two things: First, this is one of my favorite days of the sports year. Now that the players that I grew up watching as a kid are getting on the Hall of Fame ballot, I no longer have to rely on stories about the players who are and are not getting in. Instead, I know the stories, I saw them and I remember them. Finally, my childhood heroes and villains are having their greatness judged before my very eyes and I love it.

Second, I am and always have been a Cal Ripken guy. I loved watching him, I idolized him… hell, I wanted to BE him. He was the one player who I would route for regardless. The one time I got to see him play live, I sat in beloved Fenway and openly routed for him to hit bombs off of my boy Timmy Knuckles. The time I got to shake his hand at a book signing was one of the most surreal moments I’ve ever had. My little league glove, which I still use today: a Cal Ripken, Jr. model. I played short stop because of him. When I sprained my throwing wrist in little league a day before the playoffs, I taped up, moved to 2nd so I could make the throw and played on. Why? Because that’s what Cal would have done. He (along with Tony Gwynn) stood for everything that is good in professional sports and that is why today should be one of the best days in the history of Cooperstown.

Unfortunately, sports writers have decided that they are the gatekeepers of morality and grabbed all the headlines in the process. They have decided to crucify one of the larger than life figures of my childhood simply because he is the first ALLEGED steroid user to find his name on the ballot. The media has decided that Mark McGwire cheated, despite having no proof other than a bottle of Androstenetrione (a legal supplement) in his locker and some muscle growth. Imagine that! A guy who mixes supplements with legendary weight room workouts got bigger and stronger?! Alert the Nobel Prize people - we may have solved the country’s obesity epidemic!

The crazy thing is that not only have sports writers decided this guy was a cheater, they also fooled themselves into thinking he was a bad player. Let’s review for a second: 12 all star teams, 1 gold glove, 3 silver slugger awards, the rookie record for home runs, the single season home run record (Barry who?) and you stat heads out there (Eric) a .993 career fielding percentage, .394 OBP, 1414 RBI, 1317 walks and 583 home runs.

But more importantly, the guy ruled the baseball world twice in his career (shouldn’t this be a stat?). The most obvious time was when 1998 when he, with the help of Cal Ripken, revived the struggling world of professional baseball, still reeling from the strike. He gave us one of those “I remember where I was when…” moments when he hit #62. The second time was 1988-1992 in Oakland, when every kid had 2 favorite teams: their team and the Oakland A’s. Who didn’t love Stewart staring people down (before we realized he has a voice like Sherrie Lewis), Ricky’s lime green batting gloves, and most of all The Bash Brothers? How many times did you hurt your wrists doing the forearm bash after hitting a whiffle ball across your backyard? 25? 50? 1,000,000? For most kids, Mark McGwire was baseball and today these sport writers climbed up on their high horses, mounted that pedestal and humped all of us into submission. I feel violated. The Hall of Fame is full of drunks (hey Mickey), racists (how you doing Ty…errr, Mr. Cobb), and cheaters (can I borrow your emery board Gaylord Perry), but the media has drawn the line at the guy who never once tested positive for anything. How sad and embarrassing for them. But the saddest thing of all is that these same writers are all set to vote in Barry Bonds once he finally makes my day and retires.

Closer By Committee Rears Its Ugly Head Again

Jeez, guys…I stop paying attention to baseball for a few days and you go and sign someone new? Not just anyone new, mind you - washed-up starter turned reliever Joel Pineiro? And now you’re thinking either he or Runelvys Hernandez could become the closer? The best thing you (the you represented by Allard Baird) can say about Hernandez is that he's not afraid of anyone? This is the guy with the steadily declining numbers and the well-documented friendship with the late, great Terrence Long we're talking about. Are things really that bad out there? My God, it's going to be 2003 all over again, with some poor sap playing the role of B. K. Kim, ending the year by flipping someone off and then claiming he had a "cultural misconception" even though he's from Missouri.

Ahem. Sorry about that; I'm calm now. Let's take a look at the pros and cons of this new situation:

Pros:

• He has a "few innings" as a closer from last year, when he spelled for regular Mariners closer JJ Putz. He has one conversion in two opportunities (not that that means much) and held opponents to a .213 batting average in 24.1 innings.
• He's lowered his arm angle a bit, which supposedly equals more success.
• He's enthusiastic to pitch in front of Red Sox Nation.
• "Everyday" Eddie Guardado gives Pineiro his seal of approval, which is even more scientifically valid than Pineiro's save conversion ratio.
• The Sox weren't dumb enough to commit to Pineiro as their only closing option for 2007.

Cons:

• He hurt his arm in 2004, effectively derailing his career for the past two years and now he's not good enough to start any more.
• He gave up 19 hits and 13 runs in those 24.1 innings as a reliever last year.
• He's attempting to convert from a starter to a closer, which has a very low success rate.
• He's the result of a gut feeling by scouts, not any sort of statistical analysis.
• There aren't any more free agent closers still on the market.
  

If this one-year gamble works out, it'll be great...if it works out. I have a feeling Robin and I will be bitching hardcore about the closing situation come April.

Pineir-Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Meet Joel Pineiro. He’s a Red Sox for 2007… so he must have been great in 2006. Right?

8-13 Record
(squint)

6.38 ERA
(blink)

Getting $4 million with $2 million in incentives
(twitch)

First in line for the Closer job
(eyes fall out of head)

Sorry sorry… I don’t mean to be needlessly negative, but this guy seems a far cry from Papalbon (who deserves to start… I know). Well I guess he wasn’t bad when he was setting up some guy named PUTZ last season… and its MUCH better than Tavarez as the closer (isn’t that scary in print?).

So “HI” Joey P. If you rock I’ll personally start the PIN-AIR-OOOOOOOO chant. If you suck, I’ll keep calling you Joey P. Deal?

The Drag

With the Giants picking up Zito (cue evil Boras laugh) almost all of the marquee free agents have been scooped up by one team or another. Now, as we wait for the Red Sox front office to find a doctor incompetent enough to say that wet noodle arm attached to J.D. Drew is gonna last through May (that contract isn’t signed and the check still hasn’t cleared! Run away! RUN!) my anticipation for the start of the season intensifies.

I miss the Red Sox… hell, I miss baseball in general. The “hotstove” is all well and good but it pales in comparison to a chance to catch a game after work, the brisk slap of leather as the infield turns a 6-4-3 and the screams of the fans as Manny gets caught daydreaming under the monster.

I must confess I took last season a bit for granted. By the time the Sox were slipping into 3rd place and half the team was injured, I was praying for the off-season so I could rest my weary soul. Now I take it all back. I should have enjoyed those games more while I had them (even if Javy Lopez was catching).

I’ve been watching old games to try and recapture some of that summer magic but it’s not the same. Sure I enjoy seeing the 2003 ALDS game 5 (Sox over A’s: Damon head injury, Lowe crotch grab), the Fight game of 2004 (won the fight AND the game) and anything from the World Series (the week New England stood still)… but that’s just the glory. I need the grind again. The 5 and 6 day stretches, the horrible West Coast trips and that little rivalry that gets too much coverage.

I need it back. I need April to come around again and lift my spirits. Winter seems like the longest season (even with the unseasonable warmth here in the Northeast) and I blame the lack of baseball for the grey skies and early sunsets.

Right now I have some time to kill. I still have to wait 3 more months, and I know they are just going to drag on.

He's the Rocker, We're the Bloggers

Bronson Arroyo update: remember Covering the Bases (remember Bronson Arroyo?), the album that young Brandon released in 2005, covering a variety of 90’s alt-rock classics like “Plush” and “Everlong?” Apparently it sold pretty well or something, because Arroyo’s embarked on a tour of sorts, playing the Roxy in Boston and Mohegan Sun in Connecticut this January. I’m not sure whether to be happy for him or highly amused, so I think I’ll be a bit of both. Good job, Bronson; you rock on with your bad self. Also, it’s good to hear you’re not still bitter about the Sox trading you away from the hot co-eds of Boston or anything.

There's a drive! Deep to left! WAY BACK! WAAAY BACK! HOME RUN!

Another familiar face departs: Jerry Trupiano will not be back in the radio broadcast booth next year, as the Red Sox have opted not to renew his contract and continue his 14-year broadcast booth partnership with Joe Castiglione.

I’m more than a little sad to hear that Trup and his exciting but not always accurate homerun call won’t be back next year; growing up I didn’t have cable TV (and thus no NESN) so the majority of my Red Sox memories are tied in with radio. While I remember a bit of the far off days of Ken Coleman, Trupiano and Castiglione were the team calling the games for most of the games I grew up listening to and Trupiano’s call of “Way back! Way back!” figured prominently in both the oh-so-important 2003 and 2004 seasons. It won’t quite be the same when it’s no longer Joe and Jerry.

Christmas Came Early… was I naughty?

I asked for so very little from Santa this year: A mighty Sox bullpen, Scarlet Johansen in nothing but a pink bow and a million dollars.

So far, I got Brendan Donnelly and JC Romero. Whoops!

Donnelly is pretty good and can even be great if he can rekindle some of that 2003-2004 fire. But he’s 36, his numbers are in a steady decline and he certainly can’t be a closer. Another solid righty for the staff. Whatever.

JC is another “maybe” guy (great, more questions). Everyone needs another lefty in the pen, but this guy has been less than stellar lately. At least he’s cheap.

So we are looking at Delcarman, Hansen, Tavarez, that Japanese guy (not even trying), Donnelly, JC and Lester?

Even if the two guys we just picked up are mooks, that’s not bad. It’s very hard to get a quality bullpen without a little luck. The Tigers got some amazing stuff from their young guys last year and the Angels (who we just berry picked from) have always had a decent crew, but most of them were farm guys. If you look around the league… this isn’t half bad.

One problem: No closer… yet.

Bah Humbug.

A Moment Historical

Alan just called me with something he heard on EEI that fills me with silly glee, as does everything about the newest member of the Red Sox and the sick, sick rotation he’s going to be a part of: the first series of the 2007 season is at home, against Seattle. Assuming Dice Clay (official nickname now; the dude’s a Red Sox) pitches in one of the first three games of the season, the first batter he’ll face will be none other than Japan’s first star export, Ichiro Suzuki, who’s one of those happy few who’s so famous that he’s known by one name. I think it’ll be a great way to open an era. Meanwhile, I’m going to go back to dreaming about a rotation of Schilling, Dice Clay, Beckett, Wake and Paps and giggling.

PS. What is this award, a sop to those who realize the travesty of not giving a single member of the 2006 Red Sox infield a gold glove? That’s right, sports writers: the fans know who the best of the best is. Mike Lowell is The Man.

Scott Boras wants to be INSIDE you

By all accounts, the deal with D-Mat (yeah, he needs a better nickname) is going to be done very, very soon. The latest figures are between $50 and $60 million dollars over 6 years. Keep in mind that the Red Sox REALLY want him, the Seibu Lions were happy to give him up (the $51 million dollar palm greaser helped) and it seems that Matsuzaka is excited to play in the USA this year.

So why the hell did this go down to the wire? Why did Theo and Co. have to jaunt to LA (uninvited) and demand an impromptu meeting to get this deal done? Why did they need to stage a crazy plane ride across America and a rush into Mass General the day before the deadline? Why all the madness and craziness when it looked like all parties wanted to do this as clean and a quick as possible?

You want to know why?

Because Scott Boras eats babies.

Scott Boras beats up hobos for loose change.

Scott Boras only uses condoms made from rolled up $100 dollar bills.

If it wasn’t for baseball, Scott Boras would be breaking into your house right now.

Scott Boras told President Bush to “Stay the course” in Iraq.

Scott Boras doesn’t flush OR wash his hands when he uses public restrooms.

When Scott Boras has sex, he makes the 14 year old Filipino boy pay HIM afterwards.

“King Midas” is embroidered on all of the speedos Scott Boras owns.

Scott Boras made Brian Cashman shave his pubes before he could sign Johnny Damon.

Hell is too cold for Scott Boras.

This man… this evil, evil man is all that is BAD and wrong with baseball. He wipes his ass with the pages from Moneyball and could care less about things he finds petty like “fan bases” and “team loyalty.” Boras bows only to money…six figures or more. Lord help the poor GM writing the blank check for Zito this year. Boras will laugh and spit fire in his face as he takes it.

And yet we submit. He holds all the cards, he has all the control and all the best players are in his pocket. You must deal with Boras if you want to win and the bottom line is… teams, fans, and GM’s ALL want to win.

Now can we look at ourselves in a mirror after? Can we sleep with this snake and arise unbitten? Does winning absolve sins both morally and monetarily? Ask me in October. If the millionaires in blue hats with red “B’s” are playing late in October, you can ask me then.

As for now, I know Scott Boras is a kind and reasonable man who takes no notice of these petty jokes posted on some silly fan blog.

(Please Mr. Boras, don’t sue/kill/rape me. I was only kidding! I’m begging you!)

Brokeback 'Belli

Guess what? We don’t need to worry about a backup catcher for another year! Tony Massarotti is reporting on the Herald’s Clubhouse Insider blog that the Stud Who Hits Bombs, Doug Mirabelli, will be coming back to Boston on a one year deal, killing rumors that his spot as backup backstop would be taken by George Kottaras and his strikeout to walk ratio of doom in 2007. Details on the deal weren’t available, but those in the know say Dougie was happy to sign for $75 and an especially large ham sandwich, saying afterwards, “You guys know and I know it. I just can’t quit you.” Welcome back, Mirabelli! Here’s hoping you won’t have to take over the starting catcher bat any time next year.

And I-I-I-I-I-I-I Will Always Love Jew!!!

Spring, 2006. It was the golden times for Jewish athletes on the Boston Red Sox; Adam Stern was schooling Team USA by hitting bombs for the Canadians, Kevin Youkilis was about to launch into a, “holy crap, where did he come from?” start to the season and Gabe Kapler…well, the Hebrew Hammer was back on the Red Sox, healthy and ready to smack bombs. For Jewish Red Sox fans like me and Robin, it was like Sandy Koufax was back and playing in Boston. And playing the field instead of pitching.

Who knew then that these happy times wouldn’t last? Stern will be an Oriole next year, used as post-season trade bait to fulfill the obligations to Baltimore for the entirely useless Javy Lopez signing. Youkilis will be back at first, of course, but Kapler…well, 31 years old or not, the Hebrew Hammer will no longer be playing baseball; he’s retiring to take over as manager of the Red Sox Class A Greenville team. Even though I’m sure he’ll do really well as manager (he certainly sounds excited about the new job), it makes me sad – he’s a member of 2004 team; he’s a personality, another Kevin Millar or Lou Merloni or Doug Mirabelli that won’t be back next year. We’ll miss you, Gabe.

Just Because They're D1-AA Doesn't Mean They're Not Special

A little off topic, but still within the realms of Massachusetts sports: congratulations to the University of Massachusetts football team, who won the right to go to the NCAA Division National Championship next Friday in an upset, beating Montana 19 to 17 on a field goal last Friday. The championship takes place in Chattanooga, Tennessee against Appalachian State, broadcast on ESPN 2.

For those of who you don’t pay too much attention to college football and are wondering how UMass could be going for a championship when you were pretty sure Ohio State was involved in some sort of BCS game, this article on Wikipedia about the difference between D1-A (Ohio State) and D1-AA (UMass) schools might help. I honestly had no idea there was an NCAA college football championship at one level and none on the next one up until five minutes ago. Go Mass!

Play Nice with the Stats

A slew of reactions about the Drew and Lugo signings around the Interwebs, as to be expected and as Robin commented yesterday, the tone is fairly positive, because everyone seems stuck on the idea of a 3-4-5 of Papi, Manny and Drew and the offensive capabilities of Lugo over Gonzo. All meritorious points, even if the Sox do seem like they’re jumping from ship to shore and back again every winter on the general winning strategy for the team. There have also been the requisite and all too appropriate Johnny Damon comparisons – I think if the sports media was George Bush, they’d accuse the Sox of being wishy-washy (and possibly engaging in some cutting and running – NSFW) – but what got me going today was an article from SI.com that DC sent me.

Now, of the two main writers on this site, I’m generally more of the straight-laced stat head: I believe that baseball is a game of statistics as much as anything else and that statistics help you prove empirically what your subjective memory can’t tell you about a player’s performance. Also I can’t write the funny like Robin can. But using PECOTA scores to tell me that Renteria would have been a better choice at shortstop over Lugo is ridiculous. Yes, Renteria, when he’s playing well is the better player. But if we’re going to play that game, then I give you some right back: in 94 at-bats in Fenway Park since 2004, Julio Lugo has a .914 OPS, 9 doubles, 2 triples, 2 home runs and 6 RBI – all while playing for the wildly inconsistent Devil Rays. Edgar Renteria, over the same period at the same park, has a .707 OPS, 22 doubles, 2 triples, 3 home runs and 32 RBI over 304 at-bats. Renteria may be the better player according to his overall projections, but Lugo is a much better offensive fit at Fenway.

Crazy! But NOT for these guys

I don’t even know what to say about signing J.D. Drew for $70 Million over 5 years. Everyone I’ve talked to has had a different reaction. Well not exactly DIFFERENT, just verbalized in several diverse ways:

“Is he even going to play 2 years over that time?”

“He better hit a homerun every at bat.”

“I can’t talk about this now!”

“Huh…wha…guh…nuh?”

Yeah, that about sums it up. This blows that little “Money for Sluggers” piece I wrote right out of the water. Drew is a guy who quits on his teams. He has quit on every team he’s ever played on and he will do it here too. And he gets hurt. He gets all these little mysterious injuries that prevent him from playing full seasons. But my bad feelings and random homicidal fantasies about his health and work ethic are neither here nor there… so let’s use STATS!!!

His highest RBI total? Last year he hit 100. Gosh!

Home runs? He hit 31 in 2004. Woo!

Oh, and he has NEVER played 150 games a season in 8 years in the league. Cut him a huge freaking check!

Ok, he has an upside too. He’s only 31, he’s a hard hitting lefty that could pepper the wall… and ummm… he can’t complain about his pay? Yeah, that’s all I got.

Drew needs to go the extra mile to be welcome in Boston. He needs to say all the right things, do all the crap commercials and YES hit a homerun as often as he can. Bang into walls and play every game unless he is missing body parts. Otherwise, Wily Mo is right there to take his place (yikes), and the name of Trot Nixon will forever ring in his ears.

Now I KNOW what to say about signing Julio Lugo for $36 Million for 4 years: entirely unimpressive.

Everyone knew this was going to happen. The Red Sox go through shortstops like I go through underpants. They change them every year whether they need it or not (wait…ewww). Cabrera, Renteria, Gonzo and now Lugo. These are ALL lateral moves. Each guy has his strengths and weaknesses. Rent was the best offensively, but couldn’t field or handle Boston. Gonzo had the glove, but not much in the way of a bat. Cabrera could field, hit pretty well and was a clubhouse and fan favorite, but wait… why didn’t we keep him?

Mostly they all balance out when weighed against each other. So why pay the guy who doesn’t stand out in ANY category and is just a little bit worse than the average of the last few guys? Is it because he’s slightly cheaper? I really can’t get behind that too much… especially when they just broke the bank for a hump like Drew.

I don’t know what these guys in the front office are doing anymore. Are they even saving money for the Japanese guy? Why were they shopping Manny? Do they know they still don’t have a closer? Did they strike oil when doing the renovations on Fenway?

Luckily, I am completely confident all these questions will be answered when the team takes the field in April. Now if you want me, I’ll be pulling my hair out and petting my many cats… so many cats.

When it comes down to it... this lineup doesn't make me SO mad/crazy/upset. It looks good on paper.

Crisp

Youk

Ortiz

Manny

Drew

Tek

Lowell

Lugo

Pedroia

Is it it worth it?

Holding on to the Man-Ram

There’s been a bit of ill will circulating the quarters I will hereby refer to as “Keep Your Sox On Central” (even though those quarters are not, in fact, a physical space) about the intentions of one Theo Epstein. Some of that ill will has made it onto the blog recently, because as much as we hate to admit it, we’re crazy fans who think we know what’s going on in the offices on Lansdowne Street – and that we know how to avoid those obviously stupid mistakes.

Well, mistake or not, it now not only sounds like this year’s offering of Manny Ramirez’s contract up on the altar of commerce wasn’t really an offering at all, but that Theo wasn’t going to trade Manny for anything less than top dollar the whole time – and that the time limit for any serious shopping expires tomorrow. According to this article, Theo gives until the end of the business portion of the Winter Meetings – ostensibly tomorrow – for any of the parties of rumored interest to make a good deal. After the meetings, the Sox will listen to offers, but they won’t be actively looking for a trading partner. Even better, those teams who had expressed interest – the Padres, the Dodgers, the Giants, the Mariners (yeah, that one was news to me, too) don’t seem interested in buying at the Sox selling price…so Manny in Boston should be safe.

My favorite part about all of this Manny-related news is Theo saying to the media, “did you guys really think we were going to trade Manny for crap? He’s one of the biggest run producers ever; we’d be nuts to trade him for anything less than equal value. I can’t believe you guys thought we were stupid enough not to see that. Screw you guys. I mean that.” Is it still possible Boston will sign JD Drew to a large contract, or that Julio Lugo is our last, best hope for a stable infield next year? Yes, yes it is. But somehow I can face all of that potential for bad things knowing that Manny will still be batting fourth in 2007.

P.S.: Best wishes to Jon Lester!

Red Sox Sign a Japanese Pitcher! Just Not the One You'd Expect

Japan: where even the LOOGY relievers have four pitches. The Sox yesterday added another potentially blockbuster arm to their pen by signing 30-year-old Hideki Okajima, a lefty reliever with an eleven-year, 494-game career in Nippon Professional Baseball in Japan to a two year contract with a 2009 club option. There are three things of interest about Boston’s newest acquisition:

1. Like Matsuzaka (whose nickname on this site, I have determined, will be Dice Clay, just as soon as his agent stops being an ass and lets him sign. Think of it like a signing bonus), Okajima has never pitched in the US. However, this signing doesn’t seem to be a case of, as DC put it, the Sox inviting Enrique Wilson to Spring Training to keep Manny happy, as Okajima seems to have something to offer on his own, Daisuke-bait or not; something like…


2. Four pitches. Yes, four. A wicked curve, a fastball to set things up and two splitters – a strike pitch and kill pitch. Forget LOOGY, Okajima could be one of the most versatile lefty relievers we’ve seen in a while. I’m just waiting for Timlin to invite him to go bear hunting.


3. After a ten-year career with the Yomiuri Giants, Okajima spent 2006 with the team with the best name ever invented: the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. True fact: the Ham Fighters are also the name of a group of vigilantes patrolling Jewish neighborhoods in Brooklyn for a band of insurgents known only as the Un-Kosher Kommandos (this may not actually be true).

Meanwhile, rumor has the Sox offering more money and time to JD Drew than they were willing to pay Johnny Damon, while simultaneously offering Manny Ramirez up for either a.) Jake Peavy and Scott Linebrink or b.) a plugged nickel and a chewed piece of gum.